Thursday, December 27, 2007

Christmas Leave 2007

1 year, 8 days.

Every Christmas most of the Canadian Forces gets 3 weeks of leave. It is generous to say the least, and much appreciated. I know right now that many of my friends and fellow soldiers are with their families again finally, after months and months of separation. I'm sure it's a fantastic vacation for everyone, but for those of us who are new, and still not full-fledged soldiers, who have yet to be posted, it's something really special. Or at least I imagine it is.

Life is a bit different for the single soldiers. It's nice to be able to go wake up somewhere other than the shacks for more than 2 nights in a row, of course. It's just not the same thing though. I've talked to some of the married (or close enough) guys about this. I really am happy for those guys, it must be incredible to get 3 weeks of waking up next to the woman you love, without that cruel immediate anxiety about leaving creeping up on you. A few times in the last year I've had somewhere to look forward to go, and each time it hit me as soon as I got there - 2 sleeps and its back to the army. I shouldn't complain of course. On the suffering scale, wishing you had someone to miss is a distant runner up to missing someone you love. No question.

On that note, something I'm willing to claim as a fact: I've yet to meet a young man who doesn't have much better luck with women now that he's a soldier than he had before as a civillian. Maybe not in quantity, but in quality of encounters, well, really, quality of women. Maybe I'm completely off base about this, and Canadian women secrely have a military fetish, but I'm inclined to believe it is something deeper than that. I don't know if you can make it through your first year in the army without changing for the better. Everyone seems more confident and comfortable in their skin then you'd guess they were before, at least from what you know about them. Personally, I don't know what happened, but I'm not the same person I was before I started getting short haircuts.

That is maybe the cruel thing about becoming a better person. I'm grateful, of course, to the big green machine. But it's a little late. The price of being a sorted out, content young soldier on the path to building a life, is being a young soldier out in the middle of nowhere training where there is no one other than your coursemates to know you're even still alive. I call it the leave curse. You get some time off, you pop back to the universe, you are king shit of fuck mountain, you can do no wrong, but it can't last. There is a bunk and a fireblanket and a rifle and a fighting position and a mound of dirt or a pile of mud waiting for you somewhere, calling you back. You get to enjoy your new self only for the few days listed on your leave pass, that's it. But you get used to living in the moments, I find, but I never get used to the cliches. I haven't heard them very many times but each time it's jarring.

"I wish I had met you before," or it's baggage laden cousin, "why couldn't things have been like this before?"

The truth is simple. Some people joined the military content and happy and sorted out, just looking to serve their country, and they are good people and fine soldiers and I'm sure as hell glad that they have my back. But some of us joined the military to get sorted out, and we really shouldn't have expected a free ride. There's no such thing as a free lunch, especially when it includes breakfast, dinner, and an entirely new outlook on life, not to mention unlimited seconds and coffee.

So this is where I find myself after a year in the Canadian Army. I have never been so satisfied with who I am as a person, or what I am doing with my life. I am confident, purposeful, organized, and motivated. I also live in the middle of nowhere and have little to no personal life. I pine for women who are intrigued by a young officer but who I feel I cannot ask to wait for me, or settle for unwaivering devotion at a 1200km distance, even if I thought they would say yes.

But what the hell. Who else gets to wake up in the morning, slip on some camo pyjamas, get paid to stay in the shape, work with the finest people the country has to offer, and look forward to doing some real good for the world? Did I mention all of this in camo pyjamas?

So maybe life isn't good, but there's no way it won't be one day. Hurry up & wait.